I thought I had a few more years until this day came. My toddler, just a few weeks shy of her 2nd birthday, was shaken and shoved by a bigger child today. I took her to an indoor play area where I let her run and play freely. I was standing across the room when I saw her approach a group of other kids. This is nothing out of the ordinary, she is quite friendly and makes new friends every time we go there. As she approached the children, who couldn’t be that much older than her, I saw a little girl place her hands under my daughters arms, shake her, and then shove her to the floor.
I didn’t know how to react. I would never discipline someone else’s child. I walked over to my daughter to make sure she was okay, and led her away from the girl. I listened as the guardian said “play nice” and I waited for more repercussion. Nothing. The girl went on her merry way, got what she wanted and didn’t get disciplined.
Now, I know children can play rough sometimes. My daughter has been known to grab toys from other children, but she has never laid her hand on another child. I would never criticize a parent or a child if a child is displaying “normal” behavior. I consider fighting over toys normal. The manner in which this child acted made me wonder why she acted that way. Is this the way she was treated at home? Being a teacher, I am trained to look for those clues. This is why I didn’t bring it up to her guardian. What is this child dealing with at home?
As many times as I have taken her to this play place, we have NEVER encountered any issues – including typical child behavior of fighting over toys. Looking back, I should have defended my daughter and said something – but I was more concerned with my child’s safety at that point.
Has this ever happened to you?
Could be she is treated that way at home or it could just be the child’s personality. My son, (mind you he is only 18 months) hits when he gets excited playing with other children. I don’t think he understands that it hurts even though we tell him that it is an owie. I hope he grows out of it. He is not treated that way by us so he must just do it because he thinks it is fun. He never does it maliciously though.
Yes! That’s what I mean – I consider that “typical” or “normal”. The manner in which the other child treated my child seemed to be out of the ordinary for child behavior.
My daughter use to also hit me – but when I told her it hurt, she stopped. Took a few times but she no longer does it.
This other little girl was definitely malicious!
Also being a teacher, that’s the first thing you wonder when you see a child acting like you describe. However, I think (hope anyway) that’s also normal behavior for some kiddos. My daughter was a big bully, she pushed, hit, etc. We would often be horrified of the stories at daycare when we picked up, and dreaded seeing her teacher (nice huh, since I’m an elem teacher?) I know for a fact that we don’t treat our daughter like that, so it was just her personality. Now, she’s 4, and has diagnosed anxiety issues that we’re seeking help for. It was a lot of just plain nervous energy in her that we’re assuming she didn’t know how to handle.
It’s so hard to see your child being bullied, but it’s also hard to see your child be the bully. (when it’s not how she’s treated) Hopefully you never have to experience that again 🙁
Teresa – I’m so sorry and it’s nice to hear the other perspective too! When my little girl was a little over a year old, I also thought she would be a bully because she would pull toys away from other kids, but she has since grown out of that phase. I hope your little girl grows out of this phase too!
I was a toddler leader in a daycare and out of the dozens and dozens of children that I encountered, there were just a handful of “mean” children. Children don’t understand that something hurts someone else unless they are told or that their behavior could use improvement unless they are told.
Hopefully your daughter has many more years until another bullying encounter happens!
How old was the other little girl?
I would put her at about 3 or 4
This behaviour IS NOT a sure fire indication that the child has issues at home. It can be an indication that she’s not being taught the proper way to behave with other children, as I would guess from the lack of discipline that you described.
I know how startling it can be the first time it happens to your child; the first time my daughter was bullied, I started to cry.
Unfortunately, it’s something that is bound to happen at one time or another in a young persons life.
I can’t stand that when a child lashes out this way, it’s immediately because they’re being mistreated at home. I don’t buy that kids are inherently good. I believe that they start off with a lot of selfishness and need to be assisted to learn how to be better people.
If your child has never hit, shaken, pushed, spat on or hurt another kid… That’s awesome. But it’s not typical. 🙂
I am glad that everyone is okay in your family. It is definitely not easy to tolerate that kind of thing. All you can do is explain to your own child, maybe in earshot of the culprit and their guardian, that that behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, while comforting and making your child feel safe.
I agree with you! I don’t know for sure if she was treated that way at home – but it was definitely the first thought that passed through my head!
I have had similar things happen at our local mall play area. One time my boys (2 1/2 year old twins) were playing on top of one of the toys, which is a good three feet off the ground, and another kid put her hands up in preparation to shove one of my boys off. I yelled “no” and she stopped. I went over to make sure my kid was OK because he looked scared and sternly told the girl that she cannot push. Her grandparents called her over to them and basically just told her to play nice. I was upset that they didn’t give her a time out or anything but it is what it is.
When I was a teacher, I would always tell kids that were bullying others: how would your parents feel if someone hurt YOU – would they be happy about it? Well, next time you think of hurting someone, think of how your family would feel if YOU were hurt. It worked like a charm every time. This little girl should have gotten the same talk!
As a child care provider, I believe this is the way the child is probably treated at home. Its not a normal behavior sign for another child to shake a peer and push them down. Its a learned action. Taking toys, or not wanting to share, is normal. I agree with you. I probably would have reacted the same way as I tend not to be confrontational, but I would have taken it home with me and become angry over it later. If its starting that young, this child’s behavior could only get worse. Its too bad this happened. Was your daughter shaken up at all?
Heather From and Mommy Only Has 2 Hands!
She wasn’t shaken up over it – that’s why I tried not to over react because I know that my actions would have affected her more. It actually bothered me more that my daughter didn’t react only because I’m terrified she won’t be able to stand up for herself – it’s still too soon to tell she’s just a baby, after all. I think I was more shaken up than her because I had so many thoughts at that moment
I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. My son has a friend who we have had problems with over and over again. I know that you didn’t know the other family but in my own experience sometimes if you don’t step in and say something it only makes it worse. My sons friend who we try to play with as little as possible now is physically pushy and emotionally….like you said malicious! and ive come to reaalize that the mother thinks that this beavior is okay and actually makes excuses for her daughter. It sickens me that some parents just don’t care.
YES! This kind of think drives me crazy. Aside from a disability that prevents a child from understanding social behavior, I absolutely believe that when a child acts this way, it’s because of bad parenting. While they have misbehaved, of course, neither one of my children has ever acted mean and aggressive towards another kid because I took the time and care to teach them not to.
I was bullied as a kid too, I was a bit older though, grade 3 or 4. My parents tried everything but eventually due to that and other circumstances we moved away.
I really think the guardian should have come up to you and apologized and made the kid do it too. I deplore behaviour like that and no accountability for actions. Grrrrr. I hope your daughter is ok and still her cheerful self.
The guardian should have admonished the child. But I guess I can’t tell what exactly happened by just reading your account. My daughter and her friends are a little more than rough with each other (and yes, they are disciplined for it) but I wouldn’t consider a single shove or push out of the way as abnormal for a toddler aged child. They’re so full of emotion and don’t know how to express it. Physically showing how they feel is natural. It’s the parent’s duty to teach a child how to contain those physical urges and show their emotions in a safe way (which is what the guardian should have done rather than brush it off).
I would have been ticked off and definitely said something. I have said something in the past and other moms/kids might now like it, but I would say that wasn’t nice to treat my child that way, do you want to be treated this way? Yes, I have said this and sometimes parents look at me funny, but I don’t care.